The Trouble with Tuskens

From the Journal of Mitchell Rivers.

This is the first time that I’ve ever kept a journal. I guess I’ll call it a journal, but really it’s just what’s been going on. I need somewhere to place my thoughts after all this “you’re a jedi” business. One thing is for sure – it’s not a diary.

I suppose I’ll begin with our most recent escapade. Let’s see… Okay, yeah. So I won us – and by “us”, I mean “myself” a ton of credits gambling on Coruscant. The crew decided that I was the guy to give credits to for buying equipment for the ship – and weapons. I contact my guy in Coruscant and get some parts, and we head off to Dantooine to see what kind of crazy stuff Rahm Kota is up to.

When we get to the base in Dantooine we find out that Rahm Kota isn’t there because he’s looking for Ventress. We take a day off and train. It’s really entertaining to see a rabbit teach a Jawa how to use a lightsaber. Little guy is just flipping out and the Jawa has no idea what is going on. Real hard to meditate when I keep hearing his Jawa curses and hearing the Kushiban laughing his furry butt off. During their training I guess Skriz gets hit in the head a few too many times and he has a vision of some old guy – possibly a Jedi fighting off Ventress on Tatooine. He can’t really explain the vision, so he mentions it to Master Vos. Vos mentions that Master Kota mentioned that he thought Ventress was on Tatooine, and he advises us to go make sure everything is okay.

We head out to Tatooine under the guise of being merchants. I don’t really care for selling water and fruit and whatever to the sandy poor people of Mos Eisley, but Salamar and Skriz are all about keeping our cover so they sell our wares. I head over to a nice cantina for some quick credits and a nice cold drink. All this training has got me real thirsty! I walk in and order a drink and start some small talk with the bartender, and I hear some commotion behind me. Apparently our good friend Greedo spotted me, and decided that he would rather have a drink somewhere else. “Not this shit again”, were his words. Good call, Rodian. I go back to my drink and continue talking with the ‘tender to see what’s been up in Mos Eisley since I was last here. He tells me that Tuskens have been raiding nearby villages. He also drops a bit of interesting news on me: these Tuskens are coming armed with blasters. Knowing a bit about Tuskens, I know that they aren’t usually this up to date with their weaponry.

I leave the bar in search of more information… I need to contact one of my old acquaintances and see what’s going on. I get in touch and he tells me that Hutt was involved somehow. Doesn’t really make sense to me.. What does Hutt gain from giving those dusty maniacs fine weaponry? Hutt isn’t the kind of organization to give away arms and not want something in return – and Tuskens don’t really have much to give. My “friend” gives me coordinates to the most recent attack, and I decide to go hook up with the crew and check this place out. We hop in the speeder and head out. It’s kind of a long drive there, so Salamar and I have a contest going to see who can nail more womprats on the way out. Salamar isn’t a bad shot, but he’s no match for me. I miss a few shots because Talus can’t keep the speeder steady. Or that booze that I drank earlier. It doesn’t matter because I still won the bet. Because I’m awesome.

As we’re coming up on the village we spot some Jawas rummaging through the ruins trying to find some shiny scraps and a human trying to chase them off. Skriz yells some Jawa crap at them, and they take off. The human thanks us and questions our intentions. We explain that we’re here to look in to the Tusken problem, and that we mean him no harm. Salamar chats with him for a bit and we find out that the Tuskens took people from his village with them. At this point, I’m really confused about this whole Tusken/Hutt thing going on. What does Hutt want with people? Anyways, we keep talking with the guy and he tells us that a day or so ago there was an old man that had been poking around asking about the attacks. Something about a Mandalorian. The old man he is describing sounds like the old man that we are looking for. Apparently he put together a search party to go help find the captured villagers. I start feeling real bad for this guy – he’s lost basically everything he owns, and his family/friends are gone. I know what that is like so I give him some credits to help rebuild and hopefully get him some nice booze to drown his sorrows in. Salamar gives him a Jedi mind whammy so that he doesn’t remember we were even there. Poor guy. … Also, I need to ask about the mind whammy thing. That would probably come in handy.

We stumble along looking for the trail of the search party and eventually we find it with the help of Tromph. Turns out that rabbit is good for more than slashing around with a saber! Who knew? Not me! We follow the trail and come upon a burning wreckage that looks like a speeder. Probably the search party? Not sure at the moment. Around the wreckage are sandcrawler tracks. We decide that the Jawa tracks are surely a bad thing, and of course, we decide to go after them. A bit later we run in to the sandcrawler and there’s a Jawa out front. We hail him down and approach. When we approach, we notice hatches opening and ion rifles being pointed at us. We keep our distance and yell at the Jawa that we’re here to have a friendly chat. No need for anyone (them) to get hurt. Skriz offers him credits in Jawaneese or whatever. The Jawa doesn’t budge. No reply. “Maybe he’s deaf?”, I think to myself. Skriz asks if he is in danger, and still no reply. After standing around trying to talk to this jerk Jawa for what seems like ages, we turn around to leave and they open fire on us! Idiots! They clearly do not know who they are dealing with. At this point, I’m tired of being on this sandy butthole of a planet and I kind of lose my shit on them. I yell at the Jawas, informing them that after I kill them all I am going to take their droids and sell them and buy some real nice whores and liquor. I thank them for giving me a reason to open fire, because so far, this trip has been BORING. It is about that time that I realize that these Jawas aren’t Jawas. They are Ugnaughts. This pisses me off even more. Then, Talus notices that two more speeders are rolling in filled with Tuskens.

Great. More assholes to shoot at us. Just what we needed. I pop out from my cover in the speeder to take a few shots, and I see Tromph doing some suicidal Jedi shit. He dashes up to the sandcrawler and goes inside to make some Ugnaughts really, really, really sad. Behind me, Skriz fires off a Mitchell Rivers-esque shot and blows up a speeder full of Tuskens, sending them flying everywhere. Also they are on fire. Suck it, Tuskens.

While all of this is going on, Talus decides that it’s a good idea (and it was) to drive our speeder into the sandcrawler’s open cargo hold. We crash land in the cargo hold, and while Salamar is going nuts on our E-Web, a Tusken raider takes off his hood and ignites a LIGHTSABER. Then, like an asshole, he cuts our E-Web in half. Salamar had a special bond with that E-Web, man! He immediately starts in on our new Ubese friend and they engage in some sweet Force Pike versus Lightsaber action. Skriz hops out and takes another “Mitch Shot” at the second speeder that was following us in to the cargo hold, blowing it up, as well. Suck it again, fake-Tuskens. I turn around to admire Skriz’s recent work and I take a blaster shot. I duck behind some cover to quickly heal up my wound using the Force. I notice that Salamar is having some trouble, so I decide to help him out. Also I wanted some revenge for ruining the E-Web that I stole from the Imperials a while back. I use the Force to hold the Ubese down and let Salamar get free hits in. Then out of nowhere, Talus jolts the Ubese with lightning. Still not sure if Talus has read the Jedi code yet… I’m thankful for the help though, and I’m sure Salamar is as well. That Ubese was kind of tearing us up.

For a split second, I think our fight is over. Then, I hear shots being fired above us, Kushiban laughter, and bodies dropping to the floor. Tromph is having a good time up there! I look out the cargo hold and see that some of the fake Tuskens and Jawas are still alive and mighty pissed off at us. Good. I set up my rifle and unload on them. Somehow, a shot gets through and hits Salamar, knocking him down. Salamar really took a beating from that Ubese, but the Force surges through him and he gains a second wind. While I am still unloading, an Ugnaught with HUGE ROBOT ARMS WHAT THE HELL tackles me and I see Talus blast another foe with lightning. This Ugnaught is hugging me like I’m his momma and tossing me around like a rag doll. I can’t overpower him – MAYBE BECAUSE HE HAS ROBOT ARMS. Seriously what the hell!

Seriously. Robot Arms. Ugnaught.

Anyways I guess maybe he squeezed me a bit too much and I pass out? I can’t remember, but I know that my next thought was “Why is there an alarm going off and foam spraying everywhere? Am I at a sweet rave?”.

The answer was no. I still had Robo-Naught on me.
Everything fades to black again.
“Damnit, Tromph.”

Then I’m free! And I can breathe again! Yes! I don’t know why or how I am free of his grasp, but I know that I’m Force blasting this fool into the ceiling! Yeah! Get off me, smelly! Take that! At the time, that was a great idea. Looking back.. I probably should have blasted him in any direction but up. He falls back down on me, pinning me to the ground. Again, with the blackouts…

Salamar throws the Ugnaught off me and Skriz has found some pretty smokin’ lady friends… At this point I am really confused. Turns out – these were the captives from the village. Talus finds out somehow (everything is still a bit fuzzy… because of the black outs) that Ventress is here looking for a Jedi that brought the daughter of another jedi here to hide her. I don’t even know.

Talus and Skriz work together to get on the comms and find a distress signal nearby. When we ride up, they fire warning shots at us. It’s the search party! We explain what happened and tell them that we are here to help and give them their people back. They think that the “Tuskens” are about to attack. We find our Jedi-friend, Obi-Wan, and he says that Ventress is coming. With Dark Jedi friends and a Manalorian Bounty Hunter.

So that brings me to right now. As I write this log, I can sense that danger is near. I feel like my head is spinning out of control. I’m going to try and get some rest before we have to encounter this Ventress chick and her D.J. pals. I’m pretty sure that I’ll need it.

The Trouble with Tuskens

Star Wars: The Last Hope jeremysbrain